3 Unavoidable Aspects of Parenting

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These 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting are actually unavoidable aspects of life. They’re universal truths that we all have to deal with as humans. 

This podcast was inspired by a Netflix documentary I watched recently called “Stutz”. In it, therapist Phil Stutz explains three unavoidable experiences that we will all have: pain, uncertainty and constant work. 

3 Unavoidable Aspects of Parenting

As I was watching, I realized that these 3 things are also true of the parenting experience. I actually found it to be a relief that no matter what you do or who your kids are, pain, uncertainty and constant work are unavoidable. 

If we know that these things are inevitable, we can stop fighting against them and find more peace.

Pain

In this context, I think of pain mainly as emotional pain or psychological discomfort. It might look like grief, anger, anxiety or a combination of emotions. Pain can be brought on by actual situations of loss, rejection, disappointment or trauma. It can also come about simply through the nature of being a child’s caregiver. 

Your kid is also going to experience pain. We can’t protect them from all painful experiences, but we can give them the tools to be able to handle the discomforts and pains of life. 

And while pain is inevitable, it is not constant. It’s a short-term experience. Suffering is when we dwell on that pain and keep bringing it back up. We don’t need to create this unnecessary suffering for ourselves. 

Uncertainty

There are a lot of unknowns in parenting (and in life). We can try to plan or predict what’s going to happen, but we never really know. 

The real underlying fear with uncertainty is that something will happen that you won’t be able to handle. So you try to predict and plan and run scenarios through your mind. But this puts you in an anxiety spiral, because you’re trying to solve an imaginary problem. 

Constant Work

This isn’t about your job, though that is one part of it. Just to live as a human, you have to take care of your body - eat, drink, clean yourself, etc. Caring for your emotional and spiritual health and your relationships also takes work. Plus, there’s the caregiving aspect of parenting. 

When your kids are little, it can feel relentless. You are using your body to care for them all the time. You’re picking them up, carrying them, cleaning up messes. 

Then between the ages of 6-12, the work shifts to your head. You’re problem solving, managing schedules and so many details. 

In the tween and teen years, the work moves to your heart. During this time, there is a lot of worry and feeling for your kid as they go through tough times. This is also where a lot of uncertainty comes into play. 

The Brain’s Tricks

I bought into a lie that I could avoid uncertainty with constant work. My brain tricked me into believing that if I was really, really productive and managed everything, that the future would be settled. So I was hyperplanning, overworking, controlling and not letting others do things. But the truth is that uncertainty still happened, and when it did, I would get really overwhelmed.

I also thought that constantly working would help me avoid pain. I was overworking and overperforming in parenting and life because I was so afraid of pain in the future. And when pain did come up, I tried to fix and solve it immediately. 

The problem with buying into these lies is that when uncertainty and pain happen (which they will), you blame yourself. You think that bad things happen because you did something wrong or didn’t work hard enough. 

But it’s not your fault that bad things happen, even to your kids. You can’t prevent it, and you don’t even actually want to. 

Coping with Pain, Uncertainty and Constant Work

If we can’t get rid of these 3 aspects of life, we have to find hope in changing our relationship to those things. Instead of resisting, fighting and avoiding pain, uncertainty and constant work, we can allow, accept and embrace them. Our work is in changing the way we think and feel about these things when they happen.

And if we can teach our kids to handle these 3 inevitable things while they’re young, they’ll grow up to feel really capable and resilient. 

Here are some strategies to try:

Make friends with pain. We need to become less afraid of hard things happening - to us and to our kids. Because when you're working so hard to avoid pain, you miss out on the pain-free moments of life. Be present to enjoy the moments of delight. 

Model dealing with pain. When you become okay with pain, your kids will become okay with it too. They will learn how to deal with it. They will learn how to process the pain, which is the essence of resilience. Instead of rejecting, avoiding or denying pain, they’ll be able to allow for it, move through it and know that it's temporary. 

Be in the present. This is the key to dealing with uncertainty. Wherever you are, can you see what is okay about this particular moment in time? If you're out for a walk, look around at the colors, the sky, the shapes of the plants. If you're in your car, feel your hands on the steering wheel. If your kids are around you and you're making dinner, smell the smells of the spices you're about to use. 

Know that you can handle anything. Yes, the future is uncertain. And you can handle it. Your kids can also handle pain and disappointment. You’re entitled to feel frustrated or disappointed. Then, let your brain soothe itself and start to problem solve. Anchor back into the present and trust that you will all be okay. 

Make the work more manageable. Creating routines, teaching your kids expectations and how to listen will all help you, the parent, to not have to do as much work. I also encourage you to say no to things that don’t work for you and let go of people-pleasing. When you know that uncertainty is inevitable, you can lower your standards a little bit, relax and trust that you can handle whatever comes up. 

Create less work for yourself. You don’t have to do all the things. Get clear on your priorities. What is truly important to you? Don’t want to give all your weekends to travel sports? You don’t have to. You get to make your life work for you. 

Give yourself radical grace. Give yourself so much love and compassion when things feel hard. This looks like saying to yourself, “I'm okay. I'm good enough. I'm gonna mess up, and I'm gonna not always show up perfectly and that's okay. It's okay for me to struggle. It's okay for me to not always 100% know how to handle all this stuff. It's okay for me to be on a learning journey. It's okay for me to grow. ”

If you’re feeling pain and uncertainty as a mom, if it feels like a lot of work, there’s nothing wrong with you. These are all part of parenting. 

Even the mom who looks like she has it all together is experiencing these 3 things. We are all struggling and learning and figuring it out as we go. 

You’ll Learn:

• The 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting (and life)
• The lies we tell ourselves that keep us doing more, more, more
• How to cope with pain, uncertainty and constant work as a parent
• Why the inevitability of these 3 things is actually a huge relief

Resources:

• The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle