A Parenting Manifesto

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A manifesto is a list of principles to help guide you how you want to live each day. Maybe you’ve made one before and didn’t even realize it. Today I’m sharing my parenting manifesto and showing you how to create one of your own.

I first went through the process of creating a manifesto in a business coaching program years ago. And I realized that, if raising my children is the most important thing in the world to me, I also wanted to have a list of principles to commit to as a parent. 

The Calm Mama Manifesto

This manifesto is included in the Calm Mama Handbook that all of my clients get. You can also click the image below to download a printable PDF.

This particular manifesto is not our family’s. It is mine. This is what I wanted to commit to as my kids’ mom. It’s also represents what I help other moms do inside my programs. 

Parenting is my opportunity for growth. I wanted to look at this experience of raising children as an opportunity to become a more whole and healed person. To invite learning in and not fight against the obstacles that come with parenting. 

Demonstrate love without condition, no matter what they say or do. I didn't want to be a parent that only showed love, kindness or care to my kids when they were being good. I would not just love my kids. I would demonstrate that love, and I would never pull it away. 

Listen with curiosity and compassion. I wanted to commit to listening to my children and being curious about their lives, their thoughts and their interests. I chose to think that they are really interesting people and to listen to them because I want to get to know them. I also wanted to listen with compassion to understand what is driving their behavior.

Model work, play and rest. I wanted to be a parent who showed them what hard work looked like. I also actively chose to be a playful parent and bring in strategies that teachers would use to connect and play with kids. And I let my children see me rest. 

Provide. I always say that you can give your kids access and opportunity, but you can’t make them take the opportunity. My manifesto includes providing food, shelter, education, opportunity, support, advice, guidance, modeling and love. 

Take care of myself so they don’t have to.  My mom didn't always really take good care of herself, and she allowed her health to deteriorate, which created problems for me in adulthood. I decided I was going to be healthy and strong. I would eat well, move my body, manage my stress, have a good social life and have meaning and purpose in my life. 

Be comfortable with my kid’s discomfort.  No matter what is going on for them, no matter how overwhelmed or stressed or sad or mad or hurt or confused they are, I am going to be okay with the mess that they bring to me. I'm not going to let it rile me up or tip me over. I’ll be the anchor in a storm of their life. 

Show up for them, not for me. I didn't want to make their life about myself. I wanted to parent for them; not because I got something out of it. They have a whole life and a whole set of choices that I actually don't control. I'm letting myself be okay with that.

Respect myself and my boundaries. I believe that what I want is valuable and important, and I am worthy of my boundary. I don't have to wait for my children to respect me in order to feel respected.

Be forgiving, and admit when I am wrong. I will forgive my kids when they make mistakes and not hold it against them. When I’ve done something wrong, I will admit it. 

Speak kindly. I don't swear at my children. I don't insult them. I don't criticize them. I'm not mean. I wanted to speak kindly and patiently and lovingly as much as I possibly could.

Be 100% honest. I still let my kids believe in fantastical childhood things, but I wasn’t a sneaky mom. I decided to tell it like it is when tough things were going on in our lives. If they ask me a question, I give them an honest answer. 

Radical love, radical grace, radical listening. I am willing to go above and beyond to show love where it doesn't even make sense anymore. I'm willing to give grace, the benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and mercy. I listen on a deep level to what my kids are saying (and not saying) without judgment. 

Let them make mistakes. I actively chose to let my kids fail (and they have). I let them make mistakes and then let them fix those mistakes. 

See them as they are and allow them to change. It’s hard for a lot of parents to parent the kid in front of you - not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. Meet them where they are. Observe the behavior rather than judging. Then, leave space for them to grow and change without pigeonholing them or assuming they’ll become a certain way.

If I wrote this manifesto today, I would also commit to holding my kids to a high standard. I thought this would happen inevitably because my husband and I both have really high standards for ourselves. But I think that in trying to be so gracious, loving and compassionate, I didn’t hold them to the same standards I hold myself to. 

If we had a set of family values, it would also include things like being generous, kind, open and loving. We hold these values as a family, and I trust that my kids are going to catch those values. I trust that they’ll become whoever they’re meant to be. 

Create Your Parenting Manifesto

What you focus on is what you create. What you spend your time thinking about is what you end up doing. I encourage you to create a parenting manifesto of your own and put it somewhere you’ll see it often.

Of course, you are welcome to borrow my parenting manifesto. But it becomes even more powerful when you make it your own. 

Remember, these are the guiding principles you want to follow, but none of us is perfect. If you make a mistake or don’t show up the way you want to, forgive yourself. Then revisit your manifesto and try again. 

Grab a pen and paper, and let’s get to it! 

Here are some prompts to get you started:

• Make a list of 10-20 things that you are committed to as a parent
• What's important for you to model for your kids?
• What kind of parent did you need or want? What did you love that your parents did? What do you wish they had done differently?
• What kind of parent do you want to be?
• What kind of parent does your kid need you to be?

I still look at my manifesto quite frequently because it reminds me of my values as a parent. 

I’d love to see what you come up with. Send me an email at [email protected] with your parenting manifesto.

You’ll Learn:

• What a manifesto is and why it is so helpful in parenting
• The commitments behind my parenting manifesto
• What I would add or change if I wrote mine over again
• How to create and use your own parenting manifesto

Resources:

• Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen