Neurobehavioral Conditions with Eileen Devine

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Today on Become A Calm Mama, you get double the parent coaches! My guest, Eileen Devine, specializes in supporting parents who are raising kids with neurobehavioral conditions. She’s here sharing her “brain first” approach, along with practical strategies to support your child and yourself as you figure out what works best for your kid’s unique brain.

If your child is experiencing a neurobehavioral condition or if you’re seeing behavior that seems really out of bounds, extreme or scary, this episode will give you hope and tools for a calmer future.

Eileen Devine works in Portland, OR as a therapist and coach supporting parents of children with special needs. Eileen has over 15 years of clinical experience and is the adoptive mother of a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), a serious neurobehavioral condition. 

She believes that when we understand the way a child's brain works, we then understand the meaning behind challenging behaviors. You’ve probably heard me say that feelings drive behavior. Eileen will show you how the way your child’s brain interprets the world influences their behavior, too. 

What Are Neurobehavioral Conditions?

Simply put, neurobehavioral conditions happen when someone’s brain works differently. As a result, a person experiences the world differently than society expects, and it can show up in behaviors. 

There are a lot of reasons why this can happen (sometimes we know the reason, and sometimes we don’t). There might be a medical diagnosis of ADHD, autism, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or prenatal or postnatal trauma. Neurobehavioral conditions can also show up in kids with neuroimmune conditions, brain inflammation or rare seizure disorders. 

Eileen explains that, while some parents get a clear diagnosis or explanation of the cause of their child’s condition, not all do. And it can be discouraging for parents to relentlessly search for a diagnosis, thinking it will tell them everything they need to know.

The fact is that all of these diagnoses point to the brain, and no matter the cause, you need to work with the symptoms to see behavioral change.

Parenting Mindset Shifts

 The behaviors that come with neurobehavioral conditions can be really challenging for parents. 

You might struggle with deeply held beliefs about what it looks like to parent a child of a certain age. 

It’s easy to become reactive when your child is rigid in their thoughts or lacks tolerance for minor frustrations or can’t understand other people’s perspectives. 

You might even make that leap that these are more than behaviors - they are your kid’s character. It’s scary to think that your child isn’t growing into a good person.

But your child is not their behavior. And with these brain-based differences, it will be necessary to make certain accommodations. 

A major mind shift that Eileen helps her clients make is realizing that these behaviors are not because your child doesn’t care. They’re not lazy. They’re not manipulating you. They might simply be in an environment or have expectations on them that they don’t have the skills to meet right now. 

Some other mindset shifts that Eileen loves can also be used as mantras when you’re in a difficult moment:

• My child would be doing better if they could.
• This is as hard as I think it is. And also, I’m going to be okay.
• Stay soft. 
• I am dealing with this.

Another major shift comes when you can fully accept who your child is. From this place, you can begin to set yourself up so that you have the endurance to parent your unique child for the remainder of their life, even when many people in our society won’t understand.

A Brain First Approach to Parenting

It’s one thing to understand that your child’s brain works differently. It’s another thing entirely to figure out how to manage your relationship and their behaviors on a daily basis. 

The brain first lens is really two sides of the same coin. One side is about your kid’s neurobiology, how their brain works differently and their fragile nervous system. The other side is about regulating your own nervous system.

Just as we start with Calm and taking a pause break in the Calm Mama world, Eileen encourages parents to take a second between their initial, visceral reaction and what they do next. As long as everyone is safe, focus on calming yourself.

She says, “It really is a waste of a parent's precious and limited energy to try to do anything else except to regulate their own nervous system.” 

Stop talking, stop reacting. Give yourself permission and however much time it takes to regulate yourself so that you can come back and lead from a place of empathy and compassion.

Once the storm has passed, you can start to think about what skills are lacking and how to make accommodations and fill those gaps in a way that works for your kid’s brain. 

Start with a real, honest evaluation of your expectations, as well as your child’s ability to meet them. Knowing that their brain works differently, are your expectations still appropriate? Ask yourself what the brain has to do in order to be successful in meeting your expectation or completing that task? Does your child have that skill? 

Often, there is a mismatch there. You kid might have a lag in executive function, language, communication, emotional regulation, sensory processing or other skills. That gap leads to chronic frustration for your child and might show up as explosiveness, shutting down or extreme anxiety.

When you see this connection, the behavior starts to make a lot more sense, and you can start looking at ways to accommodate for your kid’s differences. 

Just as I say with compassionate parenting, using a brain-first approach is a long game. You might not see immediate results, but short compliance isn’t really what we’re after. This is a bigger transformation that won’t happen overnight.

You are not alone in this parenting journey. There are other families struggling in the same ways that you are. And support is available to you. 

I want to leave you with Eileen’s encouragement that by changing your approach, you won’t be working any harder at parenting. You’ve already been working so hard. That energy is just going to be put somewhere different - that will actually create progress. 

You’ll Learn:

• Signs that your child might be struggling with a neurobehavioral condition
• Common challenges for kids with neurobehavioral conditions and their parents
• Eileen’s favorite mantra for difficult moments
• 3 key factors to find strategies that work for your kid’s brain

Connect with Eileen:

• Learn more about Eileen and her work at https://www.eileendevine.com
• Connect on Facebook
• Follow her on IG @eileen.devine_brain.first 
• Register for the free “Brain First” workshop