A New Way To Parent

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If you’re tired of repeating yourself, yelling, punishing and keeping up with the dreaded sticker chart, I want you to know that there is a new way of parenting - one that actually works. 

I’ve been a mom for almost 20 years. And in the beginning, I thought I just needed to manage my kids' behavior and teach them how to be good people. I didn't really know much about it.

I was raised with a traditional parenting model that used punishment or praise to keep kids in line. Nobody talked to me about feelings. Nobody cared about that. The adult world was the adult world, and the kid world was the kid world. 

When I became a parent, I realized that I didn't like the way it felt to be punitive. I didn’t want to yell, criticize or spank. I had to find a different way, but I didn’t really have any other tools in my toolbox to manage my kid’s behavior. 

So I learned a TON about different parenting styles. And I created my own toolbox. In this episode, you’ll learn the steps of the Calm Mama Process and what sets it apart from other parenting models and tools.

Parenting Styles

There are four main parenting styles out there.

Authoritarian parenting, which is very strict. This is where we hear a lot of, “Do it because I said so.”

Authoritative parenting (this is what I teach), where there is a balance between respecting feelings while also holding boundaries. A mixture of being strict and connected. 

Permissive parenting in which there are no boundaries. 

Neglectful parenting, which is also thought of as uninvolved or detached parenting. 

A New Way To Parent

When my kids were young, I was trying to do traditional parenting stuff, like time outs and sticker charts, and my kid’s behavior was escalating rather than improving. 

Then, I learned about what we now call gentle parenting. You may also hear it referred to as nonviolent or compassionate parenting. I learned that feelings drive behavior, and behavior is a form of communication of emotion or unmet emotional needs.

When I started using these gentle parenting tools, my son’s long, intense tantrums became less intense, happened less often and were over more quickly. And it didn’t take long for me to notice a change.

I see this over and over with my clients. As soon as the parent starts to practice genuine connection, the child's Big Feeling Cycles decrease.

The Calm Mama Process

Over time, I created the Calm Mama Process, a parenting approach that includes both emotional coaching (helping your kids with their feelings), as well as how to set boundaries and follow through with consequences.

The process is made up of 4 steps: Calm, Connect, Limit Set & Correct.

Calm is the first step of the process, but it was actually the last one to come about. I saw my clients getting amazing results with the other three steps, but I was also hearing the same problem come up over and over again. 

The process worked…except when they were mad. In those moments, they couldn’t remember the steps and the scripts or what to do. Their stress and inability to manage their own emotion was standing in the way. 

Calm has to come first. It is all about YOU - managing your stress, your nervous system, your mindset (aka your thoughts about situations, your kids and yourself as a parent) and your self-care. When you are calm, you’re able to stay in your thinking brain (instead of being reactive) and follow through on the other steps.

Connection is where you get curious about what feelings are behind your kid’s behavior. You narrate what you see, name what your child might be feeling and coach them through it. 

Isn’t possible to always emotionally coach your kids. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t really give them motivation to change their behavior. 

Commands also don’t create motivation, and threats and bribes use fear to motivate (which feels yucky for you and for them).

So we need some other tools.

Limits help you create structure and routine so that your kid knows what to expect and what you expect from them. They also deliver the “rule” in a way that makes your child think. 

The limit setting formula goes like this: You are welcome to _______ as long as _______. 

Correction (or consequence) then helps kids see and understand the impacts of their behavior. I teach a restorative model of restitution, which teaches kids to make amends and go back and repair any problems they created. 

The four steps together create a complete parenting model that allows you to connect with your child while still holding them accountable for their behavior.

Which area do you want to work on most? 

• Do you want to feel less burned out and overwhelmed with parenting? 
• Do you want to feel more connected to your kids and be more comfortable with their feelings (even when they’re hard)? 
• Maybe you’re really having trouble getting your kids to listen. 
• You’re repeating yourself and yelling and punishing, and you don’t want to be. 

I help you with ALL of these things (and a lot more) inside my programs. We solve whatever problems you’re dealing with - morning routines, bedtime, screens, picky eating, you name it. 

Head to my website to learn more about upcoming parenting classes or book a free 25-minute parenting chat with me to find out which program is the right fit for you. www.calmmamacoaching.com 

You’ll Learn:

• Why your kids don’t do what you tell them to (and you end up yelling)
• The 4 steps of the Calm Mama Process
• My favorite sentence for validating feelings
• How to get help and learn a new way to parent

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause Break
• Episode 3: Connection is Key to Improving Behavior
• Episode 4: Setting Limits that Work
• Episode 5: Rethinking Consequences