Fix It, Change It, Stop It, Solve It

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 “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried. 

It’s an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation.

Your Kid’s Big Feelings

The most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle. 

When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you. 

The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too.

The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion.

What “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” Looks Like

Here are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion.

Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.” 

This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it. 

Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified. 

We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings. 

Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different. 

This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.”

Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them. 

Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion. 

You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective. 

Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards. 

Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling. 

Logic-ing. This looks like giving lots of facts, trying to logic them out of their feelings or explaining why the situation is their fault. 

Facts are facts, but giving people more information doesn’t solve feelings. We can’t think our way to a new feeling. We have to feel our way through it. 

Shutting them down. When your emotion (anger, fear, sadness) gets bigger or more intense than your child’s, it’s common to try to shut them down. You have a big reaction to their big feelings. 

This often shows up as yelling or other big noises or movements to try to shift your kid’s behavior. It triggers fear, freeze or faint response or people-pleasing. It might work in the short-term, but it isn’t effective in helping your child become an emotionally healthy and self-regulated person.

What your child actually needs from you is co-regulation. They need help soothing their big feelings. They need somebody to recognize and acknowledge that their feelings are valid.

I know you might be thinking, “Oh no, I do all of these things.” Believe me when I tell you that I am so familiar with them because I’ve done them all myself. 

We do these things with the best of intentions. We want to protect our kids and ourselves. There’s no need for guilt. It’s an opportunity to notice what you are doing and try a different approach.

What to Do with Big Feelings

Here are a few alternate strategies to try. Take them one at a time (not all at once) and see what works. 

Name  it. Help your child name the feeling. This is a huge part of emotional literacy, which is made up of: I know what I’m feeling. I know how to talk about it. I know what to do with the feeling.

Move it. Rhythmic body movement regulates our nervous system. It brings our brain back to balance and lessens the intensity of the emotion.

Show it. Ask your child to act out their feeling. How big is it? They can show you with their  face, their body, on paper or with a toy. This helps take something that feels really complicated on the inside and puts in on the outside.

Describe it. What color is the feeling? Is it heavy? Is it tight? Is it in your belly? Is it sinking? Is it a buzzy feeling? Is it a hot, burning feeling? Is it murky or is it clear? 

Describing feelings using adjectives is incredibly powerful. Then you can play with and manipulate the feeling. Can you change it to a different color? Can you take that tightness and pop it like a balloon?

Distract it. We still want to name and acknowledge the emotion first with this strategy. But sometimes, we just get stuck. We need to go outside, look around, have a snack or a hug to shift gears. 

What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings. 

When they see that you can handle their emotion, they learn that they can handle it, too. That their feelings aren’t scary. Feelings come and go, and it’s not a problem. 

You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them.

You’ll Learn:

• How to view your kid’s big feelings as an opportunity instead of a threat
• The question to ask yourself as you move your child through their day
• How to validate feelings in the midst of out-of-bounds behavior
• 5 ways to help your kid manage their big feelings 

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