Giving Your Kid Their First Phone with Kristi Bush

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Parents often ask me about how to approach giving their kid a phone for the first time. Today on the podcast, I’m joined by Kristi Bush, founder of Protect Our Kids. We’re talking about strategies to use before you give them the phone, as well as tools for monitoring their use. If you’re concerned about technology use and want to establish good practices in your family, you’re going to love this conversation.

Kristi is a coach and speaker who helps families navigate the overwhelming challenges of social media and devices. She’s worked with kids and families for many years, including as a licensed social worker. She combines science and storytelling to give a unique perspective of the benefits and threats associated with social media and technology. 

Giving Your Kid Their First Phone

Kids are curious (they’re supposed to be!). But this curiosity can lead them to seeing things online that are not developmentally appropriate. Using technology and social media is a skill. Your responsibility as a parent is to teach your kids those skills, slowly and in stages. You don’t want to jump in with an all-access pass right away. 

Kristi agrees with the guideline of waiting until 8th grade before giving your child a smartphone. However, she also acknowledges that some families might need ways to communicate with kids who travel home from school on their own, have sports, etc. 

So, how do you know when it’s the right time?

First of all, don’t give your kid a device if they aren’t even asking for it. This is just a win for you as a parent.

Kristi says that parents’ relationships with their kids change after they get that first phone, “Once you give your child a phone, you will always wonder, are they okay? What are they doing?” It changes the whole dynamic.

You’ll know that they have access to some pretty serious things and that you’ll need to have some adult conversations. Of particular concern are pornography, predators and bullying. Your kid might see things that really stick with them. 

The other concern is when your specific child is mentally, emotionally and psychologically ready for the responsibility of a phone. This answer is different for everyone, even within the same family.

If your kid is already obsessed with gaming or their appearance (which can be intensified with constant access to a camera), these issues will be magnified if they have a phone that is with them all the time. 

Ultimately, Kristi wants parents to feel good about their decision. She talks to a lot of parents who gave their child a phone because all the other kids their age had one, but they didn’t feel okay with that choice. The decision was driven by fear that their kid would be left behind socially, and they didn’t follow their gut. 

Whenever your kid jumps into texting, social media, etc., they will catch up. They won’t be left behind. Just as with other developmental stages and skills like potty training and reading, it’s okay for every kid to be on their own timeline. 

Set Up Strategies

Here are some steps and strategies to prepare your child and their new device:

Decide (along with your co-parent if you have one) on the boundaries and guidelines ahead of time. Set up the phone with passcodes, settings, etc. before you give it to your child. This way, it will be ready for them to use as soon as they open it.

Kristi says, “Settings are your friend.” This is where you find a lot of privacy features. And don’t worry - You’re not going to break the device. If you mess something up, you can always backtrack and redo it. 

Limit access to the outside world. Many apps and games have chat features or even internet search functions that can expose kids to strangers or inappropriate content. In some cases, you can turn off this feature or limit it to approved contacts. 

Keep your settings up to date. A challenge for parents is that apps and operating systems are always updating and changing. Kristi recommends revisiting your child’s device settings at least every 90 days. Take a close look at the settings to be sure none of your guidelines have been bumped off due to an update (which happens all the time). 

Take it slow. Don’t give your kid multiple apps or games right off the bat. You’re going to have to learn how to manage the settings for each individual app or device. Make it easy on yourself and go one at a time. Learn as much about it as you can, set it up in a way that feels safe for your family and wait awhile before adding anything new.

Start with just an internet browser or a little bit of controlled access to an approved app, and see how your child operates online. 

Use your email address for all devices, apps or gaming accounts. This way, all updates and information will come to you. Kristi also recommends that a parent has all the passwords, so you can get into anything on their device.

Be involved from Day 1. Even if you’ve already passed the point of handing your kid their first device, you can still start this now. Spend time sitting next to your child while they’re using a device. We want them to be used to you being involved, picking up their game or phone or iPad, looking at their computer, etc. It’s about creating an understanding from the beginning that you will be involved in their tech life. Kristi says that your own eyeballs are the best monitoring system.

Monitoring Your Kid’s Devices

We are trying to teach skills and responsible use, so we need to keep our eyes on what our kids are doing on their devices. 

Privacy can be a big concern when it comes to monitoring your kid’s device use. Kristi says, “I've had a lot of parents say to me, ‘I don't wanna invade their privacy.’” But she also says that it’s not really the child’s phone. 

You are paying the bill, they are living in your home. You are essentially allowing them to use your phone. This means that everything they do on that phone can be used for your knowledge and consumption. Nothing they put on that phone is private. 

This connects to the larger issue of the internet. It’s connected to everybody and everything. Kids need to understand that anything they put out there becomes public. Anybody can screenshot anything. Anybody can take a video of a video. Once something is online, you lose control over it.

If kids need a private place to write their thoughts, feelings, etc., they can use a paper journal. 

When they leave your house and make their own payments, it’s their phone. At this point, we’ve educated them and we have to let go of that control.

Practice having open conversations with your kids about tech. Kristi shared a helpful script for talking about this with your child: 

“I'm gonna be involved in your tech life because I love you. I'm not saying you're doing things wrong. I'm saying it's a really big world out there, and a lot of stuff can come at you, and you're probably not quite ready for it yet. That's my job as your parent  - to kind of fend off all the junk.”

First Phone Options

Kristi loves a traditional flip phone as a first step. She says, “They're cheap. If they break them, who cares? And it literally is a dumb phone.”

A common complaint from kids, though, is that a flip phone doesn’t look like a smartphone. Bark and Gabb both offer options that look like a smartphone but can be set up without internet access.

There are also wearable options, like watches, that can call pre-approved contacts. 

These can all be great options if you want your kid to be able to contact you without giving them a computer (and the whole world) in their pocket.

Kristi reminds us that there are going to be times when this is all really hard, especially as you’re teaching these skills through the middle school and high school years. There will be days that are great, and you'll go for weeks or months with no issues. But because they're kids, they're going to try your patience. They're gonna ask for more. They're gonna screw up. 

But when you get to the other side, it’s totally worth it. Listen to your gut. It’s okay if your kid isn’t doing everything that everybody else is doing. 

The big takeaway here is that you are in charge of your child’s technology. You get to decide when your kid gets their first phone, how it’s set up, what apps or games they’re allowed to use and when. You also always have the option to pull back if things feel out of hand. 

You’ll Learn:

• Examples of kids accessing internet content that they shouldn’t (and how it often happens)
• Why it’s important to have boundaries and guidelines from the start
• Common pitfalls of gaming consoles
• How to prepare for giving your kid their first phone
• Strategies for monitoring device use

Connect with Kristi Bush: 

• Learn more about working with Kristi or invite her speak in your community at https://knbcommunications.com
• Follow her on Instagram @protect_ourkids