How To Handle A Meltdown

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Whether it’s during the holidays or just on the drive to or from school, meltdowns and tantrums are part of parenting life. In this short and sweet episode, you’ll learn why tantrums happen and get tools and tips for how to handle a meltdown, help your kid deal with the impact of their behavior and cut down the frequency, duration and intensity of big feeling cycles.

Why Is Your Kid Having A Meltdown?

You might call it a meltdown, a temper tantrum or a fit. I like to call it a big feeling cycle. I like to use this term for a couple of reasons. 

First, it reminds you that this situation is temporary. Cycles typically have a beginning and an end, and your child’s big feeling cycle is no different. This can be really helpful when you’re in it and it feels like it’s going to go on forever. 

Second, I want you to recognize that feelings are the root of this behavior. Sometimes, your kid has really big, overwhelming feelings that they don’t know what to do with. And the strategies they use to cope with those feelings (like hitting, kicking, yelling, blaming, etc.) might not be ideal. 

Their brain has thoughts about some circumstance that they don’t like or that is uncomfortable. This triggers the big feelings. Meltdowns are often triggered when you tell your child no or correct their behavior. 

They don’t know what to do with the big fear, anger, sadness or other feelings they’re experiencing, so their body takes over and they do anything they can in order to soothe themselves. 

Of course, we don’t want our kids to hit, kick, and throw things when they get upset, so what’s a mama to do? 

How To Handle A Meltdown

The first priority during a meltdown is to keep everyone safe. If your kid is doing some kind of behavior that hurts others, step in and use the Hard No. Say something like, “It’s okay to feel sad. It’s not okay to hit.” Be firm here. Separate kids if you need to.

The Hard No is just about facts (no moralizing, lecturing or logic). Your feelings are okay. Your strategy isn’t working. That’s all. 

In most cases, everyone is safe. You just have a kid who is melting down. Maybe they are complaining, whining or crying. The two things that calm and soothe a big feeling cycle most are connection and moving the body.

Step 1: Recognize that your kid is in a big feeling cycle

Your brain might see your kid’s behavior as a threat, so you’ll need to remind yourself that this is a big feeling cycle. It’s happened before, and it will end. 

Step 2: Validate the emotion

Come alongside your child to validate and help name their emotion, either out loud or inside your own heart. This is the Connection Tool. You can say something like, “Honey, you’re kicking and screaming. Are you feeling sad? Okay, that makes sense.”

Just your connection and validation will be soothing to them. It’s important to recognize that you can’t use the Connection Tool to end a big feeling cycle. You have to ride the wave and let the cycle complete itself. 

Our goal in validating and naming the emotion and offering solutions is not to interrupt the big feeling cycle but to decrease the length and intensity of it. 

Step 3: Offer solutions

Next, you can ask them to tell you more about how they’re feeling and what’s happening. Or, they might need to show you. 

The idea is to replace the strategy that they’re using with one that is more “acceptable”. We’re giving them a way to move through the emotion and push it out through their body. If they want to hit, offer them a pillow to punch. If they want to kick, tell them they can stomp their feet on the ground.

Look at how they’re naturally using their body, and use this as a clue to find a healthier way to process the emotion.

Step 4: Repair

Sometimes during a big feeling cycle, your kid might hurt someone, break something or cause another type of negative impact. Big feelings don’t excuse the impact of our behavior. So if your child used a strategy that impacted someone else, they will need to go back and repair it.

Parents often try to deal with these impacts while the big feeling cycle is still happening, but this only triggers deeper levels of overwhelm for the kid. Adding threats and consequences will intensify the meltdown and make it last longer. 

Instead, wait until they’re through the cycle and feeling calm again. With kindness and compassion, remind them of what happened and what the impact was. Then, ask them how they would like to fix it. 

We’re not trying to punish or shame them. The purpose is to show your kid that their behavior has an impact and that they are responsible for their behavior. 

We want our kids to feel really loved, supported and validated in their big feelings, but we don't want them to use strategies that hurt others. Their emotions are part of our life, and it's our job to teach them strategies to cope with those emotions.

I know that this process will have a huge impact on your family. You’ll have way fewer big feeling cycles, and when they do happen, they’ll be shorter and less intense. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why meltdowns happen
• A different way to think about tantrums
• My 4-step process to handle a meltdown
• What to do after the big feeling cycle is complete