My Parenting Regrets

My Parenting Regrets

Dec 25, 2024

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Many people believe that thinking about regrets is a waste of time or unimportant. But I think it can actually be informative and instructive. Today, I’m sharing some of my parenting regrets as I look back on the decisions I made when my kids were younger. I want to show you how you can use regret in a positive, supportive way.

As we wrap up 2024, it’s a good time to reflect on where you’re at and do some gentle reflection. Through this process, you may notice mistakes you made or areas of your life where you don’t think you’re doing that great.

Often, when we think or talk about our mistakes, we end up feeling a lot of embarrassment and shame around them. We tend to beat ourselves up, and we don’t really know what to do with those regrets. 

But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life. Instead of ignoring it and pushing forward, you can gain something from that mistake or regret. 

 

Dealing with Regret as a Mom

It’s normal to make mistakes as a mom. 

It is normal for you to pick an educational path and then decide that it wasn't right for your kid. 
It's normal to make them stay in a sport and then find out that they were getting a chronic injury that you didn’t know about. 
You're going to act in ways you don’t love. 
You’ll create disconnection with your kids. 
You'll sometimes say things the wrong way or say things you wish you hadn't. 
You’re going to push your kid too hard sometimes and not hard enough at others. 

It’s impossible to do motherhood perfectly. Especially when so many of the decisions we make as moms are based on an unknown future. You make the best decision you can at the time with whatever kind of capacity you have.

And that’s okay. You don’t want to do it perfectly anyway. Because when you make a mistake, you learn from it, grow and change.

When you feel regret starting to creep in…

Accept that you have limited capacity. Not everything can be the most important thing. If there is something you can’t fully commit to now, you might regret it later. This is where forgiveness comes in. Instead of getting stuck in the coulda, woulda, shoulda, you can say, “Well, I guess I didn’t have it in me at that time.”

Balance compassion and responsibility. This is the same thing we try to do for our kids. You don’t need to bury yourself in guilt and shame. But you do want to be willing to accept feedback, take an honest look at the situation. 

Love yourself through the process of using your mistakes to serve you instead of hurt you. This way, when your kid comes to you with feedback, you can receive it without it crushing you. You can be ready to make amends, apologize or make things right. 

Here are five ways to handle regret when it comes up.

  1. Undo it. As soon as you realize you’re making a mistake, go back and fix it. 
  2. “At least” it. If you can’t go back and fix it, reframe the situation for yourself. Look at it from another angle and try to find the positive. What is good here? If you were late to a baseball game… “at least we got here.”
  3. Disclose it. Share your mistake and your shame. Say it out loud. Admit to yourself that you have a problem.
  4. Normalize it. Recognize that what you’re experiencing is probably pretty normal. In my work, this comes up a lot with normalizing yelling, wanting a break from your kids or feeling bitter when they come back from time away.
  5. Distance it. Imagine it from someone else’s perspective or imagine it 10 years from now. This can help you separate yourself a bit from the problem. 

The cool thing is that you can always repair anything, but you have to be honest with yourself. 

 

My Parenting Regrets

I am a parenting coach, and I know that I’m a really good parent. I have a lot of information, a lot of privilege and a lot of access. And I have still made decisions and done things as a parent that I don’t love. 

Part of my parenting manifesto is, “Parenting is my opportunity for growth”. I use these experiences to learn about myself, my kids, how the world works and what my values are. I’m defining my values in real time with my kids. 

 

My “undo it” story

Around 2020, in the middle of lockdown and the pandemic, I started to realize that I had been triangulating myself between my younger son and my husband. I had created a dynamic where they both talked to me about each other, but they weren't really talking to each other. I became the sounding board for their complaints and sadness about their relationship, but I never turned it back on them and said, “You guys need to talk about this.”

I regretted it because it prevented my husband from having the strongest relationship he could with our son. 

Once I realized what was happening, I decided to stop putting myself in the middle, trying to keep the peace. I talked to each of them about it and let them know that I wasn’t going to get involved anymore. I was going to let them find their own way to the other side because I believe that they both love each other and want to have a good relationship. 

The result was sometimes messy and uncomfortable. But it also allowed my husband to become the parent he wanted to be. He learned how to approach his son, he made his own parenting mistakes and switched gears. 

 

My “at least” story

I regret being a rageful mom in the early years of my kids’ lives. I can’t undo that. But I can see that at least that experience taught me how to become a calm mama. 

It forced me to go on a journey of deep healing, reparenting and trauma recovery. Now I have this podcast and the Calm Mama Club and all of the moms I've worked with over the years. I’ve had this huge impact on the world because of my mistakes.

 

My “disclose it” story

When Lincoln was 4 years old, and I was that raging mom, I finally said the quiet part out loud in a group of other moms who also had 4 year old boys. I said, “I feel like I'm being abused by my 4 year old.”

I was so desperate. And all the other moms looked at me in shock. But later in the parking lot,  my now best friend Tiffany said to me, “I don't think what you're feeling is normal, and you may wanna get some help.”

I am so thankful that I said the hard thing out loud. I was regretting a lot of decisions I was making at that time - a lot of my behavior and the way I was interacting with my son. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. And then I learned that there was help, and I didn’t have to live in that pain. My whole entire experience of motherhood transformed, and it all started with disclosing.

 

My “normalize it” story

When Lincoln was in middle school, I didn’t get him braces or put him on ADHD meds. I was getting a lot of conflicting information about his teeth and what we should do. And I simply didn’t have much information about ADHD medication. I was afraid of it. 

Now, as a 20-year-old, he has Invisalign, and I look back and see how medication could have really helped him when he was 12 or 13. To be clear, I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t put your kid on meds if they have ADHD. This is just my experience.

I have to be kind to past Darlynn. She didn’t have all the information. She did the best she could. Lots of moms don’t know this stuff, and we just do our best. 

Think of your mistakes as something that any mom could have done. It’s normal. Now what (if anything) do you want to do about it?

 

My “distance it” story

One of my more recent regrets is that I didn’t have my kids play sports in high school. I had some misinformation about how hard it was to get onto the teams. My kids weren’t that interested. So I didn’t encourage it or challenge them. 

As I work through this, I’m asking myself, “How will I feel about this regret in 10 years?” And I think that so much life will be lived in that time that their high school experiences won’t matter as much. 

Sawyer went to 3 different preschools. At the time, it felt so stressful, but now 15 years later, I don’t even think about it. 

If you ask, “In 10 years, is this even going to matter?” and the answer is yes, then do something about it. If the answer is no, you can let it go. 

You can also practice being kind to yourself about your regrets the same way that you would to your best friend. Imagine how your best friend thinks of you. Imagine how much love and respect that person has for you, and give that to yourself, too.

A lot of things we regret, we can't really take action on. That's why we go back to talking about it, normalizing it, being kind to yourself, apologizing for it if necessary and then reframing it. Find the benefits of the mistake, and use that silver lining to release the guilt and shame. 

Ask…

  • How do I make things right when I can? 
  • How do I let the rest go?
  • How do I use my past mistakes to inform how I want to move forward in the future?
  • What actions do I want to take now to avoid this regret again and again? 
  • How do I get out of this cycle? 
  • How do I love myself deeper? 

Especially at this time of year, you have the opportunity to reflect on your life in a way that is kind and loving. Don't come to your New Year’s resolutions from a place of shame, guilt and pain. Go toward your resolutions and goals from a place of hope, love and kindness towards yourself. 

 

You’ll Learn:

  • Why regret can actually be a good thing
  • Regrets I have from my own parenting journey
  • How to handle regret in a compassionate and useful way
  • How to use regret as fuel for your future goals

 

Mentioned In This Episode:

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