Navigating Grief as a Parent with Leslie Gelfand

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This episode is coming out on Thanksgiving Day, and the holiday season is officially here. But sometimes, as humans, we’re in pain even when we are doing celebratory things. Today, my friend and grief coach, Leslie Gelfand, is here to talk about navigating grief as a parent, especially around the holidays.

As a grief recovery specialist, Leslie helps her clients navigate through many different kinds of grief and become complete with the pain associated with the loss. I’m so grateful to Leslie for all that she’s taught me and helped me to work through in my own life, and I am so glad she is here to share her expertise with you, as well.

What Is Grief?

Leslie explains grief as “the normal and natural reaction to a loss” that is caused by an end or change in a familiar pattern or behavior. It is the end of how things were.

We can feel grief over a loved one dying, losing a relationship, pet or job. In fact, Leslie shares that there are over 40 different kinds of loss that people can experience that cause grief. 

Of course, grief shows up differently for different people and situations, including the type of relationship you had with someone you’ve lost. And we often have conflicting feelings. For example, a combination of sadness, relief and guilt. 

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief comes up when you know that a big loss is coming. 

I know that a lot of you are in a stage of life where you have children in your home, and you’re also caregiving for aging, ill or dying parents. I call this the “Panini Place” because it isn’t just a sandwich. It’s hot, you’re feeling pressed and there’s a lot of pressure. 

This is also a time when you’re likely experiencing anticipatory grief. It’s almost as if we’re pre-grieving. We’re anticipating that the loss and pain is coming. 

In some ways, this anticipation brings the pain to us early. But it can also aid us in helping to prepare for the loss. It can make the pain a little easier to digest by spreading it out over time. 

It can also help us to be more present, because we’re aware that each time we see that person it may be the last time. And anticipatory grief gives you a little bit of a preview of how you're going to manage this loss and how you're going to come through it. 

Navigating Grief as a Parent

As parents, there are two main concerns that come up with grief: How can I take care of myself and mourn while still caring for my kids? And how do I talk to my kids about what is going on?

Many kids’ first experience of death is with a pet, but with any loss at a young age, it feels really, really intense. When my kids were young and experienced the death of a pet, they really followed my emotional lead. They took a cue from me, how I was responding and the emotions I was showing. 

Our kids don’t have the capacity to take care of us, and they’re looking to us to see if they’re going to be okay. This means that we want to process some of that emotion before bringing it to our kids so that they understand the feelings without it being overwhelming.

Kids start to understand the concept of death around age 5. When talking to kids about loss and grief, Leslie says that the details of diagnosis, treatment, etc. don’t really matter. She recommends that for kids up to age 12, explaining death as “the person’s body stopped working,” is a simple explanation they can process. Older kids will ask more questions. They might want to know how or why their body stopped working. 

She also explains that it’s important to use the terms “death” or “died” rather than more abstract phrasing like “passed away” or “moved on”. We want to use language that is clear and that kids can understand, not nuanced terms that might be confusing. 

Many of us were taught by our parents to not show emotion. Stay busy, stay strong for the kids, push through (maybe even eat or drink your way through it). We weren’t taught to grieve in a healthy way. This is an opportunity to model healthy grief for your kids. 

Coping with Grief

When there are a lot of big feelings coming forward, we naturally feel a need to distract our mind and body. Your brain and your heart both need a break. 

Many of the coping mechanisms we use, like exercise, eating, drinking, binge-watching TV, scrolling social media, gaming, shopping, working, etc. are okay in moderation. Sometimes we need to decompress and check out to get that break. 

When it becomes a problem is when we take these behaviors to an extreme. When we’re trying to fill that hole in our hearts with other stuff and the behaviors take the place of actually dealing with the emotions.

As Leslie says, “There is no wrong way to grieve. What you’re feeling is what you're feeling, and it is 100% valid.” 

A few healthy strategies that most of us need are:

• Talking to others and letting them help you
• Finding ways to honor your loved one
• Talking about your feelings and how the experience has been for you

Navigating Grief During the Holidays

It's normal to feel more sad than usual around the holidays, especially if you are grieving the loss of a family  member or close loved one. 

The holidays (and not just winter holidays but all kinds of holidays, birthdays etc.) can bring up unresolved grief. They remind us of when we would spend (or didn't spend time with) particular people. Traditions may be different or missing. 

It’s a busy time of year, and we might want to numb out our feelings or put on a performance that everything's okay.

Leslie says, “It’s uncomfortable and painful to sit in the grief. And I promise if you allow that for yourself, you're able to move through it better and more quickly.”

And if someone close to you is grieving, there are simple ways you can support them during this time, too.

Leslie shares two things you can say to someone who is grieving: “I can’t imagine what this is like for you,” and “I’m so sorry.”

She says that if you find yourself starting a sentence with, “At least…”, close your mouth and just stop. The intention might be to be kind and soothing, but it doesn’t feel that way to the grieving person. 

More than anything, grievers want to be heard. In my experience, having someone be willing to just be with me and let me talk was so comforting. I found that I needed to tell the story of each loss many times to fully process it. 

Sitting with someone, listening and letting them know they aren’t alone is such a gift.

You can even ask questions like: What has it been like for you? What kind of memories are you having about this person? Share a memory of your own if you knew them. 

Grief Recovery

Often in grief, there is a period of mourning before the period of recovery. Before you can recover, you need time to process the pain and grief. 

Leslie explains this early stage as grieving the physical loss. She says that people are still really in the story of what happened. This period of time is different for everyone. It can last 2 weeks or 2 years. 

Then, there comes a shift where you start to feel a bigger gap between the waves of grief. But at this point, we often feel stuck and unsure of how to move forward. 

When someone starts to think, “It’s been long enough. I’m ready to move forward,” that’s when it’s time to begin the work of recovery. Their broken heart still needs to be repaired, and there is still often unresolved grief that needs to be processed. 

Leslie’s program takes people who are grieving through a specific series of steps to process the grief and heal their heart so that they can enjoy fond memories of that person without their heart breaking again every time. 

There is so much freedom and peace in her process. I’m so thankful to Leslie for being with me on the podcast today and for her work in helping us all to be human in a painful world and learn to move through deep pain and loss.

You’ll Learn:

• My personal journey with loss and grief (and how Leslie has helped me to move through it)
• All about grief and anticipatory grief
• The line between showing emotion and leaning on our kids to take care of us
• How to talk to kids about death
• Healthy strategies for coping with grief
• How to know when you are through mourning and ready for recovery

Connect with Leslie:

• Learn about Leslie’s program and book a call with her at https://www.griefrecoverywestlosangeles.com/ 
• Find her on Facebook