Radical Honesty (Part 3 of the How To Heal series)

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In this third installment of the How to Heal series, I’m talking about radical honesty - why it’s important, what happens when we’re not honest with ourselves, and how to get more honest.

In this healing process, we’re trying to tap into our most pure state of being, where we have a deep sense of peace and wholeness so that we can be okay no matter what is happening around us. 

Why Honesty Matters

You can't heal from anything until you’re aware of what it is that is causing you pain. 

Often, we are unwilling to look at our patterns and our pain because it creates a discomfort in us that we don't know if we can handle. But the truth is, what you resist persists. If you resist your pain, it will stay. 

Being willing to really look at ugly, hard, difficult things about ourselves and our lives requires us to be radically honest with ourselves. 

Ultimately, you’re healing yourself so that you don’t harm your kids. Because, in full love and safety, yelling at your kid, shutting down, or being rough with their body hurts them. I want your children to grow up and not have to heal from childhood wounds.

Now, everyone is gonna get hurt in childhood. In life, pain is inevitable. It's how we deal with pain, how we talk about pain, and how honest we are that actually creates the healing in real time.

When you start to get honest with yourself, you’ll probably start to notice some clues.

Thinking negatively and critically of yourself…
Feeling despair, discontentment, discomfort, anger, resentment, confusion, or lack of clarity …
Behaving in ways that hurt you or others (like your kids)...

These are all really good indicators that you might have something to heal from.

Why Honesty Is So Hard

I think of radical honesty as being willing to admit how you are thinking, feeling, and acting - even when it’s uncomfortable. Being honest about your pain is the key to healing your pain. 

So, if honesty is so important, why aren’t we honest with ourselves and each other about our pain?

We often don’t even realize how cruel we’re being to ourselves with our thoughts, we don’t understand why we’re feeling or acting the way we are. 

We also live in a society that tells us we should be happy all the time (good vibes only😒). And we’ve taken a lovely thing like gratitude and weaponized it as a way to bypass negative emotion. 

Maybe you feel ashamed if things aren’t going well - embarrassed because you think you should have it all together.

Sometimes, we’re scared to get honest about what we’re really thinking and feeling, especially if they’re negative thoughts about our kids or our life. We’re afraid that if we have a problem, we won’t be able to fix it - and we also won’t be able to ignore it anymore.

And what I see more than anything is that most people are simply unaware. They’re just not paying attention. They're going through life a little bit unhappy, a little bit dissatisfied. It’s all just kinda meh. Sometimes it all feels too big to deal with, so we avoid feeling the pain by shutting off awareness. 

Pushing the pain away actually blocks you from getting a life filled with hope, healing, love, joy, peace, and all the things we want. You can’t heal something unless you take a look at it. 

Think about if your kid has a physical wound, like road rash. They are so afraid for you to get in there to look at it. They’re holding on so tight. Even though the pain of the wound already happened, they’re almost more afraid to have it cleaned and taken care of. 

The same is true of emotional wounds. Even though the initial trauma has passed, there is fear around examining it. Before you can fix any problem, you have to narrate what it is and acknowledge it. 

Radical honesty means that you get to be really honest about how you think, feel, and act. And when you look at those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you don’t have to judge them. Instead, you can love yourself and be compassionate. Understand that that’s unresolved pain talking, whether it’s fresh or from years and years ago.

Patterns to Look For

First, I want to let you know that if you notice any of these patterns in yourself, it’s okay. You’re human, and this stuff is hard. Our goal is not to judge, but to notice and make gentle shifts toward healthier responses.

Here are some common signs that you have some healing to do.

Difficulty feeling good about yourself. You might feel purposeless, like you're a bad parent, or notice yourself being defensive or trying to prove your worthiness. Some clues might be that you find yourself being hyper-productive, thinking that you have to always look a certain way, plan the best parties, or have your kids or your home look a certain way. If you are doing these things out of insecurity, trying to do something on the outside to make you feel good on the inside, that’s a clue that there’s something to heal.

Difficulty coping with emotions. Life is very challenging, and it comes with a lot of emotions. There’s nothing wrong with this. We pass through emotional states like clouds float through the sky. But if you have trouble coping and bottle those emotions up, it can lead to outbursts, feeling anxious, depressed, hostile, or panicked. 

Difficulty forming healthy relationships. This can also show up as relationships that are strained. We’re talking about any kind of relationship here - with your partner, colleagues, siblings, parents, your own kids, whoever. You might notice lots of misunderstandings or hurt feelings. You might feel drained by people, betrayed by them, or have a hard time trusting others. You likely feel disconnected or lonely. 

Frustration in your career or role. This could relate to your job or your role as a parent. The biggest clue is that you feel bored and unsatisfied, even when you do something well. Even when you’re in a role that has a lot of purpose and importance (like parenting), it can feel meaningless to you.

Lots of bad habits that you can’t break or goals that you want to achieve, but you can’t achieve them. If you’re using drugs, overusing alcohol, dissociating with endless scrolling, obsessively shopping, dieting, binge-eating or generally over-doing it in any area of your life, it might be something to explore. 

Your body starts to break down. If you’re ill a lot, even when other people aren’t, or you seem to catch every single cold that comes through, it might be a clue. Hair loss, weight changes, stomach issues, or joint pain can also be indicators. Maybe your emotional pain isn’t allowing you to fully relax, so you aren’t sleeping well. Or you’re feeling so overwhelmed that you’re not really able to take care of your body the way you’d like to. You might find yourself skipping appointments, healthy habits, and other things that you would normally do to take care of yourself. 

If you notice physical symptoms, yes, go to the doctor to see if there’s a medical reason. And also, explore what might be going on emotionally. When you feel better inside, you’ll likely also feel better on the outside.

Strategies for Radical Honesty

Later in this series, I’ll talk about how to get what you want out of life. But the first step to that is being honest about what’s not working for you right now. 

Self awareness is the biggest key to radical honesty. It is the recognition of your own emotional state at any given point in time. When you can observe and be a compassionate witness of yourself, you’ll be able to notice patterns.

Here are some of my favorite strategies for practicing self awareness.

Take a Pause Break. This is one of my favorite tools. When you notice that you are feeling stressed or upset - maybe you’re sweating, shaking, yelling - STOP what you’re doing and reset. Ask yourself what you’re thinking and feeling, why you’re acting the way you are, and what you need. Check in with yourself and observe.

Write a brain dump in your journal. Pick a topic. It can be related to yourself, parenting, work, volunteering, or relationships. Choose a circumstance in your life and write out a bunch of thoughts - stream of consciousness style. Get them all out there. Then, you can assess - is it actually a problem? How do you feel? Do you need to make a change?

Try morning pages. This exercise comes from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. Each day (typically for 90 days), you wake up and write 3 full pages in a journal - just exploring yourself and your thoughts. I’ve gone through this a few times in my life, and each time I find so much stuff underneath the surface.

Quit stuff. Over the years, I’ve quit a lot of things - some for a set period of time and some for much longer. For example, I’ve quit drinking, sugar, yelling at my kids, name calling myself, restrictive dieting, TV, and I’m doing a shopping ban for this whole year. I don’t do these things to become a “better person”. I do them to explore the reason why I do those things in the first place. What’s the urge? What’s the feeling that’s driving the behavior? How else can you process and move through that emotion? What will you do instead?

I’ll leave you with these final thoughts to practice:

• I know I am unconditionally loved and completely safe. 

• I can be honest with myself. 

• I'm willing to admit the things in my life that aren't working anymore because I want to heal from the pain that drives those painful thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

If something's not working in your life, I challenge you (in full unconditional love and safety) to take a look at it, explore, see what comes up.

You’ll Learn:

• What it means to be radically honest 
• Why it’s so hard for us to be honest with ourselves
• Signs that you might have some healing to do
• 4 strategies to increase your self-awareness and honesty

Resources:

• Episode 161: Radical Self Love [How to Heal, part 1]
• Episode 162: Radical Self Trust [How to Heal, part 2]
• Episode 2: Getting to Calm with the Pause Break
• Episode 43: Weaponized Gratitude
• Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg
• The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck
• The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron