Radical Self Trust (Part 2 of the How To Heal series)

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This is part 2 in my How to Heal series. Today, we’re talking about radical self trust and how to build more confidence and trust in yourself. 

How to Heal is a 6-part journey for healing from emotional pain, figuring out what’s not working in your life so that you can make small changes to be less reactive, feel happier, and show up as the Calm Mama I know you want to be. 

When I think about trust, I believe the entry point is when you have an experience of feeling really safe with somebody. So, let me ask you…

Is there anyone in your life that you feel completely safe with? That you can say or admit anything to (even the shameful, embarrassing, negative things), and you trust that they can handle your vulnerability with unconditional love?

In this episode, I’m going to help you become that person for yourself. So even when the hard stuff comes up, you know that your love for yourself will never change.

What Are You Healing From?

In this context, I'm talking about healing from emotional pain - going back and looking at moments in the past when your core emotional or physical needs were not met. 

Understanding these core emotional needs is also super helpful as a parent. These are tools to help you heal your past and parent your child in the present so that they don’t have the same wounds to heal from.

The core emotional needs are really questions we’re trying to answer:

• Am I safe? This is a big one for kids. Babies and young children are incredibly vulnerable, and they know that they are not able to take care of themselves. They need adults to keep them safe.
• Am I loved unconditionally? When we tell our kids that we don’t like something they’re doing or the way they’re behaving, they often take that to mean that they are bad. They can’t separate themselves from their behavior. It’s up to the adults in their life to let them know that they are unconditionally loved and accepted. 

When you experience moments where you feel unsafe or unloved, core wounds can form, and they show up later in our behaviors. 

There were definitely times in my own life when I did not feel safe. I experienced abandonment when my dad left our family. I experienced sexual abuse as a child. My mother had depression and undiagnosed ADHD, so she was not always available for me and sometimes chose men that were not safe for me. 

I started to decide that the world is not safe. When I looked around, I saw that adults were unreliable. They hurt you. They leave.

Later in life, this core wound showed up as hypervigilance, constantly scanning for hazards, being controlling, looking to see if I fit in, and lots of insecurity and anxiety.

If you have felt that you aren’t loved unconditionally, you might notice that wound come up as people pleasing, pushing others away, over-performing, perfectionism, or over-planning. 

We develop these coping strategies, often even in childhood, to help us deal with the pain and discomfort. As a parent, when these old wounds are aggravated by life circumstances or your kid’s behavior, you might find that you react really intensely. 

Overreaction is a good indication that you have something to heal from. Something is triggering you, and you might want to change your reaction. 

This is the WHY of healing. You see that you are reacting in ways that create pain for yourself or others. Your past emotional wounds are affecting the way you respond to current circumstances. 

Reparenting

In many ways, healing is a form of reparenting. I think of this as being the parent for yourself that you need right now. We all want our parent to say to us, “You’re safe and you’re loved. I’ve got you, and I’m here.”

I want you to do this for yourself. Tell yourself, “Hey, girl. There is no danger here. I’m right here. You’re safe, and I love you. There’s nothing you could do that would make me love you less.”

In order to admit that you’re struggling and ask for help, you first have to feel safe and loved. That’s what we’re working on here.

What unmet emotional need could be driving this behavior that you want to change?

Radical Self Trust

If you want to change something in your life, you have to teach yourself that you're safe. 

Building this trust is a conversation between you and you. You have to be willing to look at your own behavior and get curious about where it is coming from. If you want the shift, you have to go through the junk and be honest about it all - and know that you’re safe with yourself to do that.

Here are some statements to support your self trust:

• I am safe with me. 

• I unconditionally love and accept myself. 

• I trust that my love for myself is unconditional.

To build radical trust, you cultivate a really deep relationship with yourself. I also like to make promises to myself. Things like…

I promise I won’t be mean to me.

If for some reason I hurt myself, I trust that I’m going to forgive myself. 

I also love to trust that I can handle the future. The grown up that you’re looking for to show you the way is YOU. She unconditionally loves you, and you are safe with her. She can handle things, and you get to trust her. 

If I deeply believe that I can handle anything and solve any problem that comes my way (except for death, and death is none of my business), I’m ready. What do you know about yourself so deeply that it makes you feel safe?

For me, it’s often as simple as “I know how to drive, and I have a credit card, so I can get out of any scrap that I put myself into.”

Maybe for you, it’s “I know I’m an adult because I know how to fold a fitted sheet.” You know how to do LOTS of things. Remind yourself of that and build the confidence that you can trust yourself because you can take care of things. 

Strategies for Self Trust

Take in inventory of resilience. Make a list of times when you’ve been resilient. A list of things that you have overcome. If you want to trust yourself today, look to your past for evidence that you're trustworthy. What are you proud of? What’s something you didn’t know how to do that is now easy for you?

Tell a good story about the past. How you think and talk about your past decisions is going to affect how you make decisions today. The kinder you are about the things you’ve done in the past, the easier it will be to be kind to yourself today and in the future.

Think about a decision you made 10 years ago. You were in a different stage of life, under different circumstances. How do you think about that past decision? Do you think, “Oh my god, what were you thinking? That was so stupid,” or do you think, “You were doing your best, and I love you for it”?

If you’re shitting on your past decisions and past self, you’re going to assume that future you is gonna shit on current you. Trusting in your decision today is going to be a lot harder if you believe that future you is going to be super negative and mean about it.

On the other hand, if you know that you are going to be kind to all the past, present, and future versions of yourself, it will be easier to trust yourself. Let the future you know that you always have her back, and you’re here setting her up for success. 

Take care of your nervous system. This one is so basic and so hard to do. We’re meant to flow back and forth between periods of activation and rest. When you are feeling unsafe, your nervous system is activated. 

In order to get back to rest, you have to notice that activation, soothe and reset yourself. The more you practice this, the more smoothly you’ll be able to move between the two states. I teach the Pause Break to reset your mind, body, and emotions (you can learn more about it in the free “Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet”). 

Remember - you are safe with you. You can trust that your love for yourself is unconditional and that you can handle problems when they come up. You’ve got this, Mama!

You’ll Learn:

• How past emotional wounds show up in the present
• Why building radical self trust is so important for healing and creating positive change
• How to be your own grown up
• 3 strategies for building radical self trust

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 161: Radical Self Love [How to Heal, part 1]
• Episode 63: Developmental Stages from Birth to Teens
• Episode 97: Your Nervous System Explained
• Episode 2: The Pause Break