Raising Teen & Tween Girls with Girls Mentorship (pt 2)

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Jill and Mary of Girls Mentorship are back! We’re continuing our conversation and talking about specific tools and strategies for supporting and raising teen and tween girls. (If you missed part 1, be sure to check it out.) And even though Jill and Mary focus their work on girls, these are great tips no matter the gender of your child.

Jill and Mary are the founders of Girls Mentorship, where they teach life and personal development skills to tween and teen girls so that they can build confidence, resilience, and self-worth.

Join us as we dive into which situations might require a little extra support for your daughter, strategies for supporting your teen or tween girl, and other resources that can help.

Why Parents Seek Support 

A lot of people are resistant to needing help outside of the household. It truly takes a village, and it is okay to have a community of people to raise your children. It doesn't need to be one person at a time, and getting support doesn't say anything negative about your parenting. In fact, seeking out services shows that you care about your child’s wellbeing and success - not just on paper, but in life. 

It’s normal to notice changes in your kid in the teen and tween years. They’re going to spend more time in their room. They might roll their eyes or slam the door a little more. These things are somewhat expected. So how do you know when you and your daughter might need a little extra help?

Jill says that transitional periods are often when parents seek out their coaching and mentoring services. For example, the jump from elementary to middle school or middle school to high school. During these times, parents often want to make sure their kids have the skills to handle themselves in these new environments. 

And Mary adds that these transitions are even more challenging when there’s friend drama involved (also super common at this age). We’re talking cattiness, gossip, backstabbing, being left out, etc. 

She says, “As parents, we expect our kids to understand how to navigate social situations or what to do at certain chapters of their life, and that's simply not true. We have to be able to teach them these things for them to be able to understand and know them. On the other side of that, we have to give them space to practice and not jump in to try to solve.”

A certain amount of conflict is a normal part of life. Arguments with friends, make-ups, break-ups, and even name-calling are a part of growing up. These situations give our kids a chance to learn how to work through conflict in a healthy way. 

Finally, parents seek out Mary and Jill’s support when they are in an emergency situation - their child is severely depressed, maybe even having suicidal ideations - and nothing else has worked. 

Friendship issues, disordered eating, conflict, isolation, or pulling back from activities they used to love are all issues that Mary and Jill see a lot of in their coaching practice and programs. Their ultimate goal? To help girls become the brightest, most authentic versions of themselves. 

Tips for Raising Teen & Tween Girls

Things like self-awareness, conflict resolution, and emotional health are all skills that can be learned. And learning them at a young age sets girls up for better experiences now and as an adult.

In our society, we’ve lost places where kids are mentored and get the opportunity to learn and practice these skills. Schools are not equipped to do this work (nor should they). There’s not room for all of the emotional parts and needs of our kids. Organizations like Girls Mentorship help to fill that gap by teaching these valuable life skills to girls and their parents. 

Mary says that they start every program with self-awareness and the power of perspective. Here are a few of their favorite tools and strategies.

Do a Temp Check

Mary and Jill have every participant in their programs do a temp check when they arrive. Basically, on a scale of 1 to 5, how are they feeling when they walk in the room? 1 is pretty lousy, 5 is ready to go! This gives the kids better self-awareness of how they’re feeling and allows the adult to acknowledge how they’re feeling, talk to them about it, and ask them what they need. 

Then, at the end of the session or activity, they do a check-out on the same scale. Are they feeling better than when they walked in? Why or why not?

Mary says, “It's just that simple acknowledgment. It's being seen, heard, loved, and valued for how we're feeling in the moment,” that our kids don’t often get as they’re busy moving from one class or activity to another. 

Practicing this teaches kids to check in with themselves and recognize how they’re feeling and whether they’re showing up as their best selves. Try it when your kid leaves for school in the morning and comes back home. Or when they get home and again before they go to bed.

The Circle of Control

Jill says, “There are things that are in your control and things that aren't in your control.” If you realize that something is bothering you, but you have no control over it, you can put it on the shelf for a little while and pour back into yourself (or allow other people to pour into you).

Some check-in questions that can help with this are:

• What do I need to do now?
• Can I make this moment okay?
• What can I put a pin in or circle back to later?

This isn’t avoidance. It’s taking care of ourselves in the moment and coming back to process things when we are able. 

Mary adds, “We can't expect people to change our situation for us, but we can have the expectation that people can contribute.” 

It’s true that teens and tweens often don’t have a ton of agency, so Mary and Jill like to help them see where they DO have control in their lives and the responsibility that comes with that agency. 

Mary shared an example from their summer camp:

“If something in this conversation that we're having is heavy for you, feel free to get up, step outside for a moment, take a deep breath, get a drink of water. But you are also expected to come back into the room. And if you need to have a conversation with somebody about it, pull one of us aside. There's Jill, there's I, there's other camp counselors here who have been prepped and ready to hold space for you.”

Let Them Borrow Your Belief

Sometimes, we need someone else to lift us up or to show us what we’re capable of. You can be this person for your child.

For parents, this can look like showing up in your highest energy so that your child can borrow your energy, positivity, and belief when they need it. Or it can look like a calm, peaceful energy. 

Your teen or tween needs to borrow your nervous system way more than you realize. Working on regulating your own emotions and thoughts, like we do in the Calm Mama Club, helps you to stay in a good space so that you can show up for your kid in the way that they need.

Digital Education

The challenges of the teen and tween years have become even more complicated since our kids are growing up online. They need to understand that they have an identity, both in-person and online, and that they need to be aware of how they present themselves in both settings. 

Because they’re behind a screen, kids often feel safer online, but this isn’t really the case. Mary says, “They feel like they can communicate with more people, and they have more friends than they do in person, which also hinders their in person friendships and relationships.”

The data is clear. The use of social media apps comes with an increase in anxiety, depression, and plenty of other negative consequences. And very few of us feel equipped to teach our kids in this area, but it is so important. What you talk about can be super basic. 

Mary says that they talk to girls about their digital footprint and the fact that anything online is out there forever. Even if you think that message disappears, it can always be revived. They also talk about their safety online and why their safety matters. It’s talking about the way they can be perceived based on things they say or post. That nothing is ever truly anonymous. 

When asked if they were ever jealous of the girls in their programs for having these resources available to them, Jill responded, “No. Honestly, we became who we needed. And that is the most rewarding and beautiful position to be in. It’s an honor. It’s a privilege to show girls that their voice matters, that they matter.”

Mary adds that they get to use mistakes from their own pasts as an example. Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids are so afraid to put themselves out there. She says, “They are scared to go full force into what they love or to put themselves out there in a way that might be perceived as stupid by someone else,” and the permanence of the internet makes it even scarier. 

Mary and Jill love that they can talk about times they messed up without any guilt or shame and show girls that “you either win or you learn”. 

You’ll Learn:

• The pitfalls of labeling all negative interactions as "bullying"
• Times when your daughter might need extra support
• 4 tips for raising teen & tween girls
• Simple talking points for digital safety & responsibility

Connect with Girls Mentorship:

• The Girls Mentorship summer camp is open to ages 10 to 13, and their peer leader program is available to high schoolers ages 14 to 18. Learn more here. 
• To learn about other individual coaching with Girls Mentorship, visit their website at https://www.girlsmentorship.com
• Follow Jill & Mary on Instagram @girlsmentorship