Strategies For Grandparents

Follow the Show

Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify | Everywhere else

Who better to talk about strategies for grandparents, than one of the best grandparents I know? I’m so excited to have my mother-in-law, Judie Childress, on the podcast with me today talking all about how parenting has changed over the years and what happens when the worlds of parenting and grandparenting collide. 

A Different Way of Parenting

Judie and her husband raised their kids with a more traditional parenting style. She explains that in those days, there was no parenting class. You parented your kids the way that you were parented. It truly was a tradition that was passed down from generation to generation. 

As parents, we’re all doing the best we can with what we know. And for the most part, kids raised with a traditional parenting model turn out okay. The problem comes in when it works on the outside (managing behavior), but the inside sometimes doesn’t get the same support. You might grow up to be successful and know how to function in the world but still lack emotional awareness. It can also erode the relationship between parent and child and the relationship your child has with themself.

When my kids were young and I was starting to get into compassionate parenting, Judie says there were a few incidents, times when her traditional parenting style was not working, that made her a believer. She realized that she needed a new way of communicating that wouldn’t lead to explosive episodes with the kids. She also shares that she would get really triggered when the kids blew up because she still had things to work through herself. 

Judie says that our feelings “don't just evaporate. They get buried in us, and they stay with us until we can deal with them, or they come up again somehow.” She sees how, even as adults, people try to keep their feelings below the surface because nobody ever taught them what to do with them.

Grandparent Struggles

Often, grandparents struggle because they still feel the need to parent their child (you) to teach you how to parent your own child. They’re still thinking that it’s their job to teach you how to be, what to do and how to live. 

If you’re seeking advice or trying things that are outside of your parent’s experience or values, they might feel that they’re being disrespected. They might fear that you’re being too permissive or that you and your kid are going down the wrong path. 

And it’s true that traditional and compassionate parenting look different from each other. Behavior modification is quicker with traditional strategies of rewards, bribes, threats, disconnection or fear. With compassionate parenting, you often don’t get immediate compliance. It’s a slower, longer game. 

Strategies For Grandparents

In Judie’s view, if you want your parents or in-laws to understand this new way of parenting, the best thing is to live it out in front of them. Let them see the way you interact with your kids and how you handle big feelings and behaviors when they come up. 

Another thing that can be helpful for grandparents to understand is that this is not a feelings-only model (aka permissive parenting). We address feelings first and behavior second. After getting calm and using connection, we bring it back to limits and consequences. The child isn’t “getting away” with misbehavior. 

Trust is huge in these situations. Judie says that her relationship with her son and me was more important than winning an argument or proving a point. Instead, she tried to trust that we were present and figuring it out. She had to trust that we would all be okay.

Having conversations about your parenting approach and strategies you’re trying is also helpful to let grandparents feel involved. When you share your plan and intention, they see that you are making an effort, both with your child and with them. 

One statement that I love is, “It might look like I’m being permissive, but I’m not. I’m delaying consequences.” This helps the grandparents feel more calm about the situation at the same time that you’re parenting your kids. 

Remember the power of love. Judie says, “I think as long as you can keep loving, whether it's loving the grandparents or loving the kids, it's gonna work because you're caring more about the relationship than you are how it's done.” 

We can all give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume that we’re coming from a place of love. When grandparents have concerns, you can say something like, “I know you love me. I know you love my kids. I know you want what's best for us, and I'm taking everything you're suggesting in love. I'm switching gears a bit, and it might look weird to you.”

In most cases, grandparents likely aren’t trying to control you and your family. They love you and your kids. They worry about you and want the best for all of you. 

I’m so thankful for the relationship Judie and I have and her support as we’ve gone through this parenting journey together. 

If you’re struggling with your parents or in-laws, my challenge to you is to jot down some of the sentences above and say them or email them to the grandparents this week. Start opening the lines of communication and trust. 

You’ll Learn:

• How my mother-in-law learned about compassionate parenting as I raised my sons
• Why it’s sometimes hard to be a grandparent
• How to communicate your parenting approach to your parents or in-laws
• Strategies for grandparents to be a supportive part of your parenting journey