Surgeon General Says Parents Aren’t Ok

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Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory saying that parents aren’t ok. There’s a lot that goes into raising emotionally healthy kids, and a huge part of it is your own mental health, including how you handle stress and negative emotions. 

In today’s episode, I’m breaking down this 36-page advisory and sharing some of the highlights (or lowlights) of the report in simple terms, including why parents are so stressed, why it’s a problem for us and our kids and what you can do to better care for yourself and your family.

I find it encouraging that someone in a position to make change is acknowledging this problem. And I hope that as I talk about the issue of parent stress, you feel seen and it helps you understand what’s going on for you. 

Why is Stress a Problem for Parents?

Your mental health affects the well-being of your children. When you have a lot of stress in your life, particularly if it is severe or prolonged, it’s going to have an effect on you. And the way you handle it is going to affect your kid.

If you’re dumping your stress or negative emotions on your kid, emotionally checking out or not doing things that need to be done because you’re overwhelmed, it might create a problem for your child. 

The Surgeon General says, “The stresses parents and caregivers have today are being passed to children in direct and indirect ways, impacting families and communities across America.”

We live in a society and parenting culture where stress is pervasive. And this stress on parents impacts the health and well-being of our entire society. 

The Parents Aren’t Ok

As I outline these different types of practical, mental and emotional stress, you might relate to some and not others. Notice what is causing you the most stress right now. 

Parenting itself is stressful. We’ve known this forever, right? You’ll experience different stressors during different developmental stages, but they all have their own challenges. I talked more about the 3 stages of parenting on the podcast a few weeks ago.

Money and financial strain. Financial worries continue to be a top stressor among parents. We likely all feel some level of financial insecurity, if not for ourselves then for our kids’ futures. And if your family struggles to even meet your child's basic needs, pay for child care costs, and provide for health and education expenses, the stress is more intense. 

Time. The amount of time parents spend directly caring for their kids has increased significantly in the past 40-ish years, but we still have the same number of hours in the day. When you’re trying to balance work, kids, aging parents, and other responsibilities, of course you’re feeling conflicted, guilty and burned out.

Mental load. There's a significant amount of mental labor involved with parenting - Balancing complex schedules, anticipating your kid’s needs, making hundreds of decisions a day on behalf of them, monitoring their progress. When so much mental capacity goes to your kid, there isn’t a lot left to focus on other things. 

It can negatively impact your own cognitive functioning and psychological well-being. Because when you are consumed by thinking about someone else's well-being, you're not thinking about yours. This is one of the big reasons why self-care is so hard for moms. 

Fears about your kid’s mental and physical health & safety. We see that our kids are vulnerable, and it’s scary. From gun violence to drugs and alcohol and bullying. There are a lot of safety concerns. Plus, the report shares that “nearly 3-in-4 parents are extremely or somewhat worried that their child will struggle with anxiety or depression.”

Concerns and confusion over tech & social media. According to the advisory, “Nearly 70% of parents say parenting is now more difficult than it was 20 years ago, with children’s use of technology and social media as the top two cited reasons.”

Cultural Pressure. It’s very common for parents to perceive that everybody else is doing it right, and you're doing it wrong. You might think there’s some standard or expectation that you aren’t meeting. These might come from culture, comparing yourself with other moms, your own parents, etc.

Our children’s future. We don’t understand the future. Things are changing so quickly, and we don’t know how to set our kids up for success. You cannot prepare your child for everything in the future, and trying to do so leads to burnout. 

Parental Isolation and Loneliness: The Surgeon General states that, “Social isolation and lack of social support can lead to heightened stress.” When you are alone and you feel like you're not doing a good job, you're going to feel more stressed. You’ll think you need to do more, do better, and this just leads to burnout. 

Let me be clear: If you're feeling stressed as a parent, it's not because you're not doing it right. It's not because there's some magic formula that you haven't figured out yet. It's not because all the other moms know how to do it and you don't. 

Your stress is because of the expectations put on you by yourself and society, fears and worries that you're not managing well, and strain from overcommitting your time, energy or money. 

The Big Picture

The Surgeon General recommends four primary action steps for our society as a whole.

The first is a societal shift in the perspective on parenting. Basically, he says that we should value parents more, give them more support and see them as a vital part of our society. 

Second is societal support, including investing in education, the health and safety of our children and creating communities for parents to find friendships, practical assistance and emotional support. 

Next comes talking more openly about the stress and struggles of parenting. We need to talk about the evolving demands of parenting and where we’re having a tough time. We need to say, “I need help.” Doing this more often will combat the feelings of shame and guilt that come with our struggles. 

Finally, we must foster a culture of connection among parents to combat loneliness and isolation. He says, “Creating opportunities for parents to come together, share experiences and ideas and support each other can strengthen parental well-being.” This is exactly what I’ve worked to create in the Calm Mama Club. 

Ultimately, the more we can support parents, the more our kids will be supported.

How You Can Manage Parenting Stress

These huge social changes sound great, but it isn’t actually the world we’re living in today. So what can YOU do to feel better?

The first step is to understand why you are feeling so stressed. Then, you can start to find ways to manage that stress better. As you read these suggestions, think about which ones might be most impactful for you right now. 

Take care of yourself. Prioritizing yourself can be difficult, but it is a key part of how you care for your family. Some examples include getting as much sleep as you can, exercising, balancing your diet and doing things that bring you joy. 

Even small investments of time can make a meaningful difference. You don’t need massages and mani/pedis. Sitting quietly drinking my coffee and playing my Wordle is self care. Spending a few minutes outside with the sun on my face, going on a walk, reading a book or talking to my best friend on the phone are some of my favorite ways to care for myself. 

Holding boundaries around your time and energy is also a part of self-care. I like to teach moms to take a Calm Mama Break and do something for themselves. 

In addition to caring for your body, caring for your heart will help you manage your stress. Love yourself deeper. The Surgeon General agrees. He says, “It is impossible to get parenting right all the time. So being compassionate and forgiving with oneself is essential.” 

Nurture connections with other parents. Join a parent group, get involved with the PTA or other organizations, go to a playgroup. If you’re a working mom, connect with other working moms you can relate to. Get together just to have some fun. 

Pay attention to your mental health. Realizing that you need help and support and asking for it is not just ok - it’s vital. Talk to your doctor, a therapist or a coach. 

I hope this has made you feel more seen and understood. Yep, you’re stressed. There are good reasons for it, and there are steps you can take to reduce that stress. Look at your personal stressors and make a plan of how you’re going to deal with them. 

If your mental load is intense and you’re overscheduled, you can make changes. If you’re feeling the financial strain, you can work on a budget. If you’re worried about social media, create a tech plan for your family. 

I created my programs to be a place of hope, love and support for moms. You can’t shock me. And if you’re in one of my groups, you’ll experience the feeling of validation from other moms saying, “Yep, I’ve been there, too.” You don’t have to figure this all out alone. 

If you’re struggling, raise your hand and say, “Hey, I need some help here.” Say it to me or a family member or friend. There are people in your life who love and care about you. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why parents are so stressed out (it’s not just you)
• The problems with parent stress
• The Surgeon General’s recommendations for supporting parents in our society
• What you can do to better manage your stress

Mentioned in this Episode:

• Read Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents