Why Threats Aren’t Great

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If you’ve ever thought, “But my kid only listens when I yell,” this is for you. Today, I’m explaining why threats aren’t great when you’re trying to change behavior and what to do instead.

In traditional parenting, fear is often used to pivot a child's behavior. We get mean and harsh and threaten that something bad will happen if they don’t comply. But when you want to raise emotionally healthy kids who think for themselves, you need a different approach. 

Why We Threaten

One reason parents use threats with their kids is simply because it’s what they know. It’s how they were raised.

But even for those of us who are practicing a more compassionate approach, threats still creep up.

The reason is that when your kid misbehaves, you get into your limbic (emotional) center. You feel frustrated or overwhelmed. Changing the behavior feels like an urgent need, even an emergency. You get into “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy. 

You want your kid to listen to you and do what you tell them - right now. And when they don’t you might use threats to trigger fear in them and get them to comply.

Why Threats Aren’t Great

The truth is that when we use threats to trigger fear in our children, they are more compliant. It’s effective in changing behavior. However, there is a long-term cost to that short-term gain.

Threats put your child into their fight, flight, freeze or fawn instinct, where they are driven by emotion. They feel vulnerable When you’re really upset with your kid and threatening them, it not only triggers a fear of the threat. It can trigger a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment. 

I don’t want your kids to respond to you because they’re afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally. 

The other problem with the command-threat model is that when you tell your kid to stop doing something, their brain doesn’t really know what to do instead. 

We want to help them move from the limbic center (where everything is driven by emotion) to executive function (where they’re actually thinking). We want them to choose to do what’s in their best interest. 

By communicating limits, we tell them what we want them to do and help guide their brain toward the behavior we want. 

Shifting from Threats to Limits

A limit helps kids understand what is expected of them and what they get when they meet those expectations. 

In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct, you set clear boundaries and then let your child experience what happens when they don’t keep that limit. 

The goal of limit setting is not to get compliance in the moment. It is to get your kid to think about their actions and start to connect the dots between how they behave and what happens when they behave that way.

Here’s how to get started with limits.

Step 1: Flip the threat into a limit. Often, when a limit is needed, you’ll see a pattern of behavior that you want to change. Identify the problem and the limit you want to set around it, and communicate it clearly to your child.

When you’re first practicing limits, it can help to start by saying it the “wrong” way - like a command along with a threat or a bribe. You might tell them that they need to stop doing something or else something bad will happen. For example, “If you don’t stop fighting with your brother, I’m turning this car around and going home.”

Then, shift it slightly to focus on what the child can do or have and what conditions they must meet. For example, “We can go to the park for a playdate as long as there are no problems in the car on the way there.”

Step 2: Don’t rescue. Rescuing looks like reminding your kid over and over again or not following through on the limit you set. You are trying to rescue them from the consequence by giving them more chances to comply.

Step 3: Follow through on your limit. Let your child experience the impact of their behavior. 

The first few times you set limits, your kid probably won't believe you. They’ll think it’s just a threat, and they probably won’t listen. In the short term, the behavior might not change. That’s kinda the point. We want them to experience the negative impact of their behavior, because that is how they learn.

Step 4: Ride out the big feelings. When you follow through on a limit, your kid won’t like it. They might be sad, mad or disappointed, they might cry or yell. It’s normal for them to have a negative emotion when they experience a negative consequence. Don’t be afraid of their feelings. They will pass. Hold firm on your boundary. 

After a few times of experiencing the consequences within the limit, you kid will start to realize that it's in their best interest to listen to you. 

They won’t need to be afraid of you. They will trust you. And they will know that what you say goes.

Limits are the way the world works. As adults, we navigate limits all the time. Teaching your kids this now will help them make connections in their brain, understand that things happen in a sequence and learn how to function in the world. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why threats might work short-term but aren’t great in the long run
• The difference between threats and limits 
• How to set limits that work
• What to do when your kid doesn’t stay within your boundaries